So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
they need to just BURY HIM!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
