he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
