and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
