I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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