Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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