i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
