I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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