nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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