RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
