My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
