wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
