Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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