I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
