I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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