I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
