i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Randomize
