I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just gargled with NyQuil
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
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