Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
