i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
