I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
