My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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