Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
