I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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