Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You took a bar mat shot.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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