I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize