I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
