Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
