And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
