Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
