i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
