Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
