Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
