I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
