Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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