I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
