Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
