my mouth tastes like poor choices
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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