I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
