So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
