my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
