i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
