her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
