don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
