peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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