you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
