My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
and she was petting her beer can
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
