Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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