she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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