she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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