I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
