I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
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