I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Randomize
