I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
