His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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