how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
