He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
