I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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