You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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