If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize