Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
