dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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