I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
